Weddings, Failures and Woman Issues

The emotions a wedding can stir up are funny. For so many people, it's a joyous day. For others, there is a hint of sadness. For most of the people who have poured their hearts and souls into months of wedding preparation, the feeling is often relief. So, imagine my surprise when the emotions swirling inside of me at my sister-in-law's wedding landed on sadness, pressure and failure.

During the wedding weekend, I heard more than one person talk about how thrilled my mother-in-law must be that my sister-in-law is married now because she will finally have a shot at getting a grandchild. And, each time I heard this, it felt like a punch to the gut. 

If you have read any of my previous entries, you know that the subject of having children is very sensitive for me. I have some gynecological issues that make both becoming pregnant and keeping a pregnancy difficult for me. However, most people probably don't know about these issues. They look at me, see a relatively healthy woman, and assume that I must not have children because I either don't want them or don't like them. 

I am an only-child, and I am also the only grandchild on both sides of my family. I have been very aware for quite some time that I am the only hope my parents have for becoming grandparents and that my grandparents have for becoming great-grandparents. That's a lot of pressure for one person. 

I know my family will love me whether I have a baby or not. But, I also know that they would all like to see a baby in our family. And, knowing how much love they would all shower that child with, it hurts me that I haven't been able to provide them with that gift. 

Here's what many women will not tell you about battling with infertility: 

Married life is significantly harder for a woman who desperately wants to be a mother but has a body that won't cooperate with her wishes and dreams. When you look normal on the outside but have internal abnormalities and have to constantly answer questions about when you're going to have children and why you don't already have them, it beats you down. Many people seem to assume that your top priority after you say "I do" should be working on building your family. 

Many women who deal with infertility issues feel like they are a failure. For me, I feel like my body has failed me and this somehow must make me less of a woman. And, then I feel like I have failed my family and my husband's family by not giving them a grandchild yet. It's a vicious and painful circle. 

Seeing other people around you becoming pregnant and starting their families when you are hyper-aware about not being able to do the same is heart-wrenching. I have spent more than one night bawling my eyes out over a friend or family member announcing their pregnancy, not because I'm not happy for them, but because it's so hard to watch other people have something you are struggling for be so easy for them. 

I'm not writing this because I want sympathy, but because I want people to stop and think before they open their mouths to ask someone about why they don't have a child or when they are going to start having children. 

Women have all sorts of reasons why they don't have children. Some really may not want children of their own, others may be struggling with issues that prevent them from having children, and others may be coping with the heartache of losing a baby they desperately wanted. Take the time to realize and understand that each and every woman is unique and valuable, whether they have a child or not. And, instead of judging, assuming and badgering, take the time to show them love and acceptance for who they are as a person, mother or not. 

P.S. I totally get that men have issues with this subject, too. Take what you have learned here about loving, accepting and not badgering, and apply it to them, too!

Pinterest Recipe Week

After a year away from writing on here, I'm finally back! I love writing and really do miss it when I stop, but life gets busy and other things always seem more important than getting cozy with my computer and cranking out another blog. Going forward, though, I'm going to try to update my blog at least once a week... we'll see how long that actually lasts.
Anyways.... now on to the main event.
I enjoy cooking, but it seems that I, like so many other people I know, often get stuck in a recipe rut. I make the same things over and over again, and it gets boring!
This week, I decided it was time to get out of that rut and try out some new recipes. Of course, I turned to Pinterest for some inspiration and decided to choose a different Pinterest recipe for every evening this week. Here's what this has looked like so far:

Monday Night: Feta Stuffed Chicken Breast

The link on this Pinterest recipe will take you here: http://www.diabeticlivingonline.com/recipe/chicken/feta-stuffed-chicken

My hubby and I both love feta cheese, so I was pretty excited about this one! However, this recipe was far harder than the directions had made it sound.

The hardest part of the whole cooking process what trying to keep the feta mixture from running out of the chicken. Even with toothpicks holding the chicken in place, quite a bit still ran out and went everywhere. I also had a hard time getting the chicken to cook all the way through (I ended up having to finish it in the oven because it would not cook all the way through in the pan). 

I personally liked this, but Ryan was upset that I tried to serve his with spinach (the recipe called for it to be served over wilted lemon spinach, which I thought was tasty). He was not a fan, and he somehow ended up with the one piece of chicken that wasn't juicy. I don't think this recipe will be finding its way into our regular recipe rotation. 

Tuesday Night: Avocado Basil Pasta

The link on this Pinterest recipe will take you here: http://www.recipe.com/avocado-basil-pasta/

This recipe sounded simple and delicious, but I had to make a slight modification. It calls for bacon, but I don't eat pork, so I substituted turkey bacon. I'm not sure if this made much difference in the taste, but I thought it was worth mentioning. 

While it looked tasty, this pasta dish was really pretty disappointing. When I followed the recipe exactly, it was really bland. However, with a splash of balsamic vinegar, it ended up being pretty tasty. 

Ryan said I could make this again if I promised to leave out the avocado (he thought it was just mushy and gross in it). I thought the avocado was good. 

With some modifications, this recipe has potential, but I wouldn't make it just as written. 

Tonight (Wednesday): Herb and Citrus Oven Roasted Chicken

The link on this Pinterest recipe will take you here: http://www.thecomfortofcooking.com/2013/04/herb-and-citrus-oven-roasted-chicken.html

Out of all the recipes I'm trying out this week, I was probably the most excited about this one. Check out the pictures in the link above and you'll see why.... her pictures make your mouth water!

I put my chicken in the fridge to marinate before I left for work this morning, so I didn't have to mess around with this a whole lot tonight. 

So far, this has been both my and Ryan's favorite dish of the week! The chicken came out tender and very flavorful! This one will definitely become part of the recipe rotation!

I paired our delicious chicken with some bell peppers and onion that I pan-cooked together with some olive oil, balsamic vinegar, rosemary, garlic and thyme. It was perfect!

Stay tuned for the rest of my Pinterest recipe week!

Unbalanced Relationships

Many people will tell you that marriage is 50-50. Both people have to carry their own weight in order for the marriage to work.

With so many of my friends getting married in the next few months, I feel it's only fair to tell you that the 50-50 theory is a bunch of poo.

When you get married, you make a promise to love and protect that other person. You're making a commitment to be in this for the long-haul, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. That alone should tell you that marriage is definitely not 50-50 all the time. 

Sometimes you aren't going to be able to carry your own weight in your marriage. It's crazy how quickly an illness, the loss of a job, the death of a loved one or a variety of other cruddy life events can mess with that perfect 50-50 marriage. 

If you have gone into marriage thinking that things are always going to be split evenly and that you are both always going to be able to pull your own weight, you're going to fall apart pretty quickly. If you go into it willing to do whatever it takes to make things work, though, you'll quickly learn that marriage requires a lot of give and take. When one partner can't carry their own weight, the other steps in and takes on the extra work... and you do it because you've decided to love that person more than you love yourself. 

In my own marriage, the responsibilities have shifted back and forth between us quite a few times. During the first three and a half years that we were married, I was finishing up my college degree. During this time, my husband worked hard, often taking on extra hours and odd jobs to help us make ends meet so that I could finish what I had started. 

More recently, my husband had surgery and all those household responsibilities have fallen on me. I have become cook, cleaning lady and personal assistant on top of working 40 hours a week. 

In between these events, we have experience the loss of jobs, the loss of family members and a ton of other trying life events. With each unexpected turn in the road, either my husband or I have stepped up to the plate and done what we needed to keep us moving forward. It has been at those tough times that I have realized just how much I love my husband and how lucky I am to have married such an amazing man. 

During the times when it feels like you're the one carrying 90 percent of the responsibility in your marriage and it seems like your spouse is slacking off, it can be easy to fall into a pattern of irritation and resentment. You have to remember, though, that now is not forever (something my grandma and my mom often tell me when I'm getting into those crabby resentful ruts). Things will eventually change and become more balanced, and sooner or later, your spouse may be the one feeling that pressure of taking on all the responsibility. 

My point is that marriage is not always going to be perfect... It's not always going to be like the fairy tales you see on TV or in the movies. But, if you really and truly love that person and you're willing to sacrifice for your partner, things have a way of working themselves out.
Marriage is not always 50-50, but it is always making the choice to love each other unconditionally. Once you make that choice, you and your spouse can conquer anything that comes your way. 

Run, Brittany, Run!

I have never been a runner. In elementary school, I was always that kid who was huffing and puffing trying to complete that evil mile run for the Presidential Fitness Test. In high school, I swore I would never run unless there was some sort of murderer chasing me and I didn't think I could take them down on my own.
This past January, I decided to change my status as a non-runner. A friend told me about the Couch to 5K (C25K) program, and I decided it was at least worth a shot. So, I downloaded the app onto my iphone and hit the treadmill.
The first day of my new life as a runner was absolute torture. I struggled to make it through running for just one minute. Every time the little voice in my phone would say, "Begin running!," I wanted to chuck my phone across the room. I ended the day with some serious doubts about whether or not I would actually be able to complete this program.
Even though I considered giving up after the first day, I decided I needed to stick with this program, and I am so glad that I did! I can now say that I have joined the running world, though I don't think I can officially call myself a runner yet. I can only run about 2 miles or so without getting winded right now, but I find that I'm able to run a little bit more each day. I'm hoping that I'll finally be able to finish the C25K program in a couple of weeks.
On July 14th, I will be running my first 5K. I'm going to run The Color Run in St. Paul with my dad and my friends Katie and Chase (Go team Running Rejects!). I'm really looking forward to crossing that finish line... I think at that point I'll finally be able to say that I am, indeed, a runner!

Happy Mother's Day

With Mother's Day right around the corner, I thought it would only be appropriate for me to start my return to the blogging world with a few words about my mom.

Strong, funny, caring and loving, my mom is an amazing woman, who I am lucky to also be able to call my friend. 

My mom has helped to shape me into the woman I am today, and I am so thankful for all that she has done for me. From sacrificing so I could have a good education to driving me to various music lessons to cheering me on at every major event in my life, my mom has always been there for me. She has been one of my biggest cheerleaders, never letting me give up when things got tough and always ready with words of wisdom and encouragement.
Since I live eight hours away from my mom, I can't be with her this Mother's Day. But, I love her more than she even knows, and I hope that she has the wonderful day that she deserves.

My mom and I at my wedding in 2007

My mom and I on our family cruise in October 2011

I love you, mom! Happy Mother's Day!

More than a Number

Fat. 

I hate that word with a passion. Maybe it's because I'm insecure about my own weight; maybe it's because I have heard it spit out in hate to describe others... I'm not really sure why I hate that word so much. I just know that I hate it.
In first grade, a boy in my class told me I was fat. It was the first time I had ever heard that word used to describe how I looked, and it hurt. I found myself looking around and comparing myself to the other people in my class. I wasn't a small kid, but at that point in time I certainly wasn't fat either. However, I found myself feeling fat and feeling bad about myself.
A few years after first being called fat, I found out that my best friend's grandmother referred to me as her chunky friend. I hadn't considered myself to be much larger than my friend, so this really stung. I started to see myself as even larger than I actually was. I became conscious of everyone else when I walked into a room and found myself looking around, comparing my weight to everyone else's.
Twenty-some years later, those feelings still linger. I often feel bad about myself, beating myself up for not being as thin as I would like.
I'm not telling you all this because I'm trying to throw myself a pity party. I'm telling you this because it has taken me over twenty years to truly realize something: I am so much more than a number on a scale or a size sewn into the back of my jeans.
I would be lying if I told you that I'm finally happy with myself just the way I am. I know that I need to lose weight. The difference between the old attitude I had about my weight and my new attitude, though, is that I am now wanting to become healthier. It's not about reaching a smaller number on the scale... it's about making better choices for myself.
I have recently really started trying to watch what I'm putting in my mouth. I've been trying to make healthier choices instead of reaching for chips and candy. I've been trying to exercise more... I take the stairs at work (all five floors, often feeling like I'm going to collapse before I get to the top) and I try to get down to our workout room at home at least a few times every week. I'm taking baby steps, but I'm already feeling healthier. I have even lost eight pounds, and I have to tell you... that feels pretty good.
So, why have I shared all of this with you? I guess the first reason is to remind people that words hurt and can have a lasting effect on a person. Watch the stuff that comes out of your mouth because you never know how much it crushes another person.
Second reason... I have quite a few friends who I know are also struggling with weight issues. They are all so much more than numbers, too. Please, don't ever let anyone reduce you to a number on a scale, because that's all it is... a stupid number.
I'm making a choice to be more than a number and to be a healthier version of the person I already am. Change has to start from the inside, with your attitude. If you can change that, the rest will follow. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure that out...

Love Sick

As my husband walked through our front doorway tonight with his arms full of flu-fighting goodies, I couldn't help but think "that's why I love him." After working all day, I know he was exhausted and ready to just be home and do nothing. But, he took the time to take care of his sick little wifey, and I appreciate him so much for that!

I love my husband for so many more reasons than just bringing me tummy-calming packages of saltines, though. He is an amazing husband and an all-around awesome person, and sometimes I look at him and wonder how I got so lucky. 

Thanks to my hubby for loving me even when I'm sick, grouchy and whiny!