During the wedding weekend, I heard more than one person talk about how thrilled my mother-in-law must be that my sister-in-law is married now because she will finally have a shot at getting a grandchild. And, each time I heard this, it felt like a punch to the gut.
If you have read any of my previous entries, you know that the subject of having children is very sensitive for me. I have some gynecological issues that make both becoming pregnant and keeping a pregnancy difficult for me. However, most people probably don't know about these issues. They look at me, see a relatively healthy woman, and assume that I must not have children because I either don't want them or don't like them.
I am an only-child, and I am also the only grandchild on both sides of my family. I have been very aware for quite some time that I am the only hope my parents have for becoming grandparents and that my grandparents have for becoming great-grandparents. That's a lot of pressure for one person.
I know my family will love me whether I have a baby or not. But, I also know that they would all like to see a baby in our family. And, knowing how much love they would all shower that child with, it hurts me that I haven't been able to provide them with that gift.
Here's what many women will not tell you about battling with infertility:
Married life is significantly harder for a woman who desperately wants to be a mother but has a body that won't cooperate with her wishes and dreams. When you look normal on the outside but have internal abnormalities and have to constantly answer questions about when you're going to have children and why you don't already have them, it beats you down. Many people seem to assume that your top priority after you say "I do" should be working on building your family.
Many women who deal with infertility issues feel like they are a failure. For me, I feel like my body has failed me and this somehow must make me less of a woman. And, then I feel like I have failed my family and my husband's family by not giving them a grandchild yet. It's a vicious and painful circle.
Seeing other people around you becoming pregnant and starting their families when you are hyper-aware about not being able to do the same is heart-wrenching. I have spent more than one night bawling my eyes out over a friend or family member announcing their pregnancy, not because I'm not happy for them, but because it's so hard to watch other people have something you are struggling for be so easy for them.
I'm not writing this because I want sympathy, but because I want people to stop and think before they open their mouths to ask someone about why they don't have a child or when they are going to start having children.
Women have all sorts of reasons why they don't have children. Some really may not want children of their own, others may be struggling with issues that prevent them from having children, and others may be coping with the heartache of losing a baby they desperately wanted. Take the time to realize and understand that each and every woman is unique and valuable, whether they have a child or not. And, instead of judging, assuming and badgering, take the time to show them love and acceptance for who they are as a person, mother or not.
P.S. I totally get that men have issues with this subject, too. Take what you have learned here about loving, accepting and not badgering, and apply it to them, too!
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