More than a Number

Fat. 

I hate that word with a passion. Maybe it's because I'm insecure about my own weight; maybe it's because I have heard it spit out in hate to describe others... I'm not really sure why I hate that word so much. I just know that I hate it.
In first grade, a boy in my class told me I was fat. It was the first time I had ever heard that word used to describe how I looked, and it hurt. I found myself looking around and comparing myself to the other people in my class. I wasn't a small kid, but at that point in time I certainly wasn't fat either. However, I found myself feeling fat and feeling bad about myself.
A few years after first being called fat, I found out that my best friend's grandmother referred to me as her chunky friend. I hadn't considered myself to be much larger than my friend, so this really stung. I started to see myself as even larger than I actually was. I became conscious of everyone else when I walked into a room and found myself looking around, comparing my weight to everyone else's.
Twenty-some years later, those feelings still linger. I often feel bad about myself, beating myself up for not being as thin as I would like.
I'm not telling you all this because I'm trying to throw myself a pity party. I'm telling you this because it has taken me over twenty years to truly realize something: I am so much more than a number on a scale or a size sewn into the back of my jeans.
I would be lying if I told you that I'm finally happy with myself just the way I am. I know that I need to lose weight. The difference between the old attitude I had about my weight and my new attitude, though, is that I am now wanting to become healthier. It's not about reaching a smaller number on the scale... it's about making better choices for myself.
I have recently really started trying to watch what I'm putting in my mouth. I've been trying to make healthier choices instead of reaching for chips and candy. I've been trying to exercise more... I take the stairs at work (all five floors, often feeling like I'm going to collapse before I get to the top) and I try to get down to our workout room at home at least a few times every week. I'm taking baby steps, but I'm already feeling healthier. I have even lost eight pounds, and I have to tell you... that feels pretty good.
So, why have I shared all of this with you? I guess the first reason is to remind people that words hurt and can have a lasting effect on a person. Watch the stuff that comes out of your mouth because you never know how much it crushes another person.
Second reason... I have quite a few friends who I know are also struggling with weight issues. They are all so much more than numbers, too. Please, don't ever let anyone reduce you to a number on a scale, because that's all it is... a stupid number.
I'm making a choice to be more than a number and to be a healthier version of the person I already am. Change has to start from the inside, with your attitude. If you can change that, the rest will follow. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure that out...

Love Sick

As my husband walked through our front doorway tonight with his arms full of flu-fighting goodies, I couldn't help but think "that's why I love him." After working all day, I know he was exhausted and ready to just be home and do nothing. But, he took the time to take care of his sick little wifey, and I appreciate him so much for that!

I love my husband for so many more reasons than just bringing me tummy-calming packages of saltines, though. He is an amazing husband and an all-around awesome person, and sometimes I look at him and wonder how I got so lucky. 

Thanks to my hubby for loving me even when I'm sick, grouchy and whiny! 

Back to the Beginning

This coming Sunday, Ryan and I will celebrate our five-year wedding anniversary. As hard as it is for me to believe that we have already been married for almost five years, it's even harder for me to believe that it has been almost seven years since he asked me out on our first date. 

In August 2005, we met in Concepts of Wellness class at Union College. We both sat in the back of the classroom and bonded over making smart-alec comments about how much the class sucked. We were both in a relationship with other people at the time, and I actually thought he was interested in my cousin because he was always talking to her. 

Eventually, we both found ourselves single and started talking about the possibility of hanging out. He finally made the big moved and asked me to a 1920's banquet that the school was hosting. The only problem was that he asked me out on the day of the banquet... in an email. Luckily for him, though, I kind of liked him, so I called him and told him that I'd love to go (my mom asked me what I was doing, since "what kind of guy asks you to the banquet on the day of it and in an email?"). 

Going to that banquet with Ryan was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. The banquet was boring and pretty lame, but the company was great. I just knew that there was something special about him. Never before had I felt so comfortable opening up to someone the way that I was able to open up to him. We just really hit it off. 

The next few days after the banquet, we hung out a lot and talked about what we each wanted out of a relationship and where we saw this going. November 8, 2005, we officially became a couple... and the rest is history! 

Ryan and I on Our First Date