More than a Number

Fat. 

I hate that word with a passion. Maybe it's because I'm insecure about my own weight; maybe it's because I have heard it spit out in hate to describe others... I'm not really sure why I hate that word so much. I just know that I hate it.
In first grade, a boy in my class told me I was fat. It was the first time I had ever heard that word used to describe how I looked, and it hurt. I found myself looking around and comparing myself to the other people in my class. I wasn't a small kid, but at that point in time I certainly wasn't fat either. However, I found myself feeling fat and feeling bad about myself.
A few years after first being called fat, I found out that my best friend's grandmother referred to me as her chunky friend. I hadn't considered myself to be much larger than my friend, so this really stung. I started to see myself as even larger than I actually was. I became conscious of everyone else when I walked into a room and found myself looking around, comparing my weight to everyone else's.
Twenty-some years later, those feelings still linger. I often feel bad about myself, beating myself up for not being as thin as I would like.
I'm not telling you all this because I'm trying to throw myself a pity party. I'm telling you this because it has taken me over twenty years to truly realize something: I am so much more than a number on a scale or a size sewn into the back of my jeans.
I would be lying if I told you that I'm finally happy with myself just the way I am. I know that I need to lose weight. The difference between the old attitude I had about my weight and my new attitude, though, is that I am now wanting to become healthier. It's not about reaching a smaller number on the scale... it's about making better choices for myself.
I have recently really started trying to watch what I'm putting in my mouth. I've been trying to make healthier choices instead of reaching for chips and candy. I've been trying to exercise more... I take the stairs at work (all five floors, often feeling like I'm going to collapse before I get to the top) and I try to get down to our workout room at home at least a few times every week. I'm taking baby steps, but I'm already feeling healthier. I have even lost eight pounds, and I have to tell you... that feels pretty good.
So, why have I shared all of this with you? I guess the first reason is to remind people that words hurt and can have a lasting effect on a person. Watch the stuff that comes out of your mouth because you never know how much it crushes another person.
Second reason... I have quite a few friends who I know are also struggling with weight issues. They are all so much more than numbers, too. Please, don't ever let anyone reduce you to a number on a scale, because that's all it is... a stupid number.
I'm making a choice to be more than a number and to be a healthier version of the person I already am. Change has to start from the inside, with your attitude. If you can change that, the rest will follow. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure that out...